Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
They’re really bad with fonts.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
is it earth
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”