Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My biological clock is wheezing.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The Sun
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.