I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You Might Also Like
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Comparing yourself to others
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over