I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
did it work
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took