I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
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Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m Sold!
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?