Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you