[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?