Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.