When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You Might Also Like
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
#parenting
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.