The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
😜
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.