Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Liquor Store Parking
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body