I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
mariah carrie
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.