HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.