Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard