Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.