“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong