OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You Might Also Like
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.