Good boy ππ
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Every haunted house movie:
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
if youβre venting to someone and they say βidk I see both sidesβ youβre wrong
Iβm 6β and Iβm built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, βoh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!β
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!π
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, βbet these workouts are a piece of cake.β
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I wanna know why itβs embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when heβs gaming. Like bro, they know you donβt live alone.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if youβre a cop.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.