Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
i think we should see other cousins
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point