I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.