#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
very niche meme I made
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”