ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You Might Also Like
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.