Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE