Spam popsicles.
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8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore