My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?