Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Never be a pizza!
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”