Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up