Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
taking June’s advice to heart
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.