on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.