In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.