da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man