Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.