*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move