Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
This is my favorite one of these!
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.