Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Bed should get ready for ME
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!