It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
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Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’