Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
can’t catch a break
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident