A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Cashiers are always checking me out
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.