Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
wtf is a larm clock?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.