Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?