I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
You Might Also Like
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Lol.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.