Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Every time.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut