They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Nothing to do, you say?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”