What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
When your parents check you’re ok.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*