Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce