What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
You Might Also Like
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments