*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
You Might Also Like
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
What about second breakfast?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs