The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
You Might Also Like
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
They’re on their honeymoon
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Worst bar ever.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Siri: Retweet me.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays