Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Midwest trash talk
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.