When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
😏😏😏
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
fly smarter, not harder
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming